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i'm on the bus - Stop the world, I wanna get off. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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i'm on the bus [Jul. 22nd, 2006|05:30 pm]
[mood |mellowmellow]
[music |joseph arthur-Honey and the Moon]

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
Now I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
and deep as the sea
but right now everything you want is wrong,
and right now all my dreams are waking up,
and right nowI wish I could follow you
to the shores of freedom,
where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
and everything was still a bet in love's game
you would call; I'd call you back
and then I'd leavea message on your answering machine

But right now everything is turning blue,
and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon,
and right now I wish I could follow you
to the shores of freedom,
where no one lives


i came to a realization late last night/early this morning while standing outside in the cold damp summer air by myself.

it really is me.

i am the whole reason that none of my relationships ever work out the way i want them to. but somehow in my mind i always make it out to be the other persons fault...they didn't try hard enough, they didn't take a chance, that they are afraid.

it's all me.

we each ate a hit. i think he might have eaten a hit and a half, but it was one of the funnest nights i have had in soo long. we stood there on his porch at 4oclock in the morning and we talked. and it was wonderful. and i feel wonderful when i'm around him, and he makes me smile like i haven't ever before. and was making fun of some old fling or something and said..."yeah, that's just me being charming, and i wonder why i don't have a girlfriend. i'm so completely not charming." and the only thing that came to my mind was...i think you're pretty great. and i wanted to say it. but i didn't.

i have found my issues stem from my inability to show vulnerability. i've had to be so strong and i've had to build my hearts wall up so high over the years that no one has been able to climb over it and really see what's inside. because i wont let them.

and it has to stop. i'm really gonna try and make an effort not to be so goddamned independent...and really let him in.