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there she goes again... [Dec. 6th, 2006|04:49 pm]
[Current Location |mothers]
[mood |soresore]
[music |Digest-Ben Taylor Band]

This fall/winter has been one of the most strange and unusual seasons of my entire life.
So much has happened....
I've been to ashville, nashville, and atlanta twice.
I've made so many new friends :)
I've been lonely.
I've seen some of the most amazing live music of my entire life.
I've been let down.
I've let myself down.
I've learned about love and heartbreak.
I've joined a band. haha.
I've become good friends with some talented mother fucker's called 1220.
I've rocked school hard.
I've made my fair share of mistakes.

but i'm alright, yeah, i guess i'm fine.

I know it seems a little silly to think, but since the moment i've turned 20, things have been so completely different...at least, the way i see the world. i'm really beginning to understand where i stand, and how i want to stand, and where i want to stand, ect. ect...

i know that no matter what...i always have me.
and that is perfectly ok.
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what a wonderful charicature of intimacy [Oct. 20th, 2006|10:08 pm]
[Current Location |library]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |Panic! at the disco]

Sunday- went to go see Trey in Asheville for C's 21st birthday.
Monday- attempted to go to school but still hungover as hell
Tuesday- made the biggest mistake of my entire life
Wednesday- cried all day. went to school. cried some more.
Thursday- woke up. cried. went to go see aerosmith and motley crue in nashville. partied down.
Friday- returned from nashville. cried. took a nap.

this week so far has been the weirdest week of my entire life. i am horribly depressed. i cannot believe i let myself do this. i cannot even believe it. all i wanna do is go back to tuesday...go back to when things weren't so, goddamn, i don't know. my head feels as though it's about to explode though. and my stomach is constantly churning.

i didn't eat at all on wed. because i was afraid i was going to throw up i felt so guilty.

i need advice. i need help. i need a friend. i need someone to tell me to do the right thing here because for the first time in forever, i don't know what the right thing is.

god, if you can hear me. please don't let my heart hurt like this anymore...please, please, let me be free again. i can't stand the thought of completely losing control again. it breaks me.

and i finally just put all my pieces back together.

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has anyone seen meg? [Aug. 19th, 2006|02:14 pm]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |what you want- john butler trio]

I was staring at the sky just looking for a star
to pray on or wish on or something like that
I was having this strange fix of a daydream of a boy
whose reality i knew was hopeless to be had
but then the dove of hope began it's downward slope
and i knew for a momentmy fortune was too good to be had
but as it came down near so did a weary tear
i thought it was a dove but it was just a paper bag

hunger hurts but i want him so bad it kills
but i know i'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
i've got to focus cause these hands are too shaky to hold
cause i know i'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up


my week has sucked. completely.
i am reminded of why i don't fall for boys very often.
i always seem to end up getting hurt before things even get started.
so i am done with love.
at the end of this week i wont have a place to live anymore either
yet again.
i have lived in my apartment for a week.
and i have another week to get the hell out
cause my landlord doesn't have any compassion.

i feel like i'm slowly losing my mind.
nothing feels right anymore.
i don't enjoy doing the things i used to love
and it scares the hell outta me.
i feel so completely numb about everything and everyone
and it's taking a toll on my heart.
i have never been so confused in my entire life
and i honestly don't know what to do.

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watch out for the sharp rocks [Aug. 1st, 2006|10:13 pm]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |go & goodnight- imogene heap]

i love river trecking :)
especially the kick ass waterfalls at the end of the journey.
i cut my knee up something gnarly...gotta watch out for the slippery rocks
it was funny though
i laughed. hard.
i'm glad court and jake and i got to hang out all together again
i love the three of us
i love the fact that today i did so many things i've never done before

1. river trecked
2. climbed up a vertical rock wall (hardcore, i know, right?)
3. really pushed myself to do something that i normally wouldn't

i'm making the effort to try and be the best version of me.
i haven't seen that version in quite sometime now
but i'm not worried
she's under there somewhere...she's just scared
she'll come out of hidding soon

nature truly is the greatest work of art

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i'm on the bus [Jul. 22nd, 2006|05:30 pm]
[mood |mellowmellow]
[music |joseph arthur-Honey and the Moon]

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
Now I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
and deep as the sea
but right now everything you want is wrong,
and right now all my dreams are waking up,
and right nowI wish I could follow you
to the shores of freedom,
where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
and everything was still a bet in love's game
you would call; I'd call you back
and then I'd leavea message on your answering machine

But right now everything is turning blue,
and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon,
and right now I wish I could follow you
to the shores of freedom,
where no one lives


i came to a realization late last night/early this morning while standing outside in the cold damp summer air by myself.

it really is me.

i am the whole reason that none of my relationships ever work out the way i want them to. but somehow in my mind i always make it out to be the other persons fault...they didn't try hard enough, they didn't take a chance, that they are afraid.

it's all me.

we each ate a hit. i think he might have eaten a hit and a half, but it was one of the funnest nights i have had in soo long. we stood there on his porch at 4oclock in the morning and we talked. and it was wonderful. and i feel wonderful when i'm around him, and he makes me smile like i haven't ever before. and was making fun of some old fling or something and said..."yeah, that's just me being charming, and i wonder why i don't have a girlfriend. i'm so completely not charming." and the only thing that came to my mind was...i think you're pretty great. and i wanted to say it. but i didn't.

i have found my issues stem from my inability to show vulnerability. i've had to be so strong and i've had to build my hearts wall up so high over the years that no one has been able to climb over it and really see what's inside. because i wont let them.

and it has to stop. i'm really gonna try and make an effort not to be so goddamned independent...and really let him in.

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red red wine [Jul. 11th, 2006|03:37 pm]
[Current Location |hell]
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[music |this modern love-bloc party]

i've given up liquor. yes, i know.
it sucks. badstyle.

i've just come to the realization that everything that has ever been good in my life has been fucked up and all sorts of twisted when liquor gets involved. and i always always always end up hating myself the next day. because i don't know when to quit.

i once heard that it's never a problem until you try to quit.

and i never knew how true that is, until now.

it would be so easy and soo wonderful if i could just sit down and have a gin&tonic or a margarita...oooh god i would love a margarita.
but no. not now. not for a VERY LONG TIME.

at least until i learn to be responsible. well, at least more responsible.

and i've had it up to my eyeballs with living at my mom's house...i am dying.
no shit.
i haven't lived there in almost 2yrs now and it is KILLING me to step foot in their and be forced to live with other people. and not have a space to call my own. i don't even have a fucking bed for christ's sake.

i want my apartment. now.
but i'm poor and jobless (still)
and i haven't been able to get in touch with lela to get plans set on whether or not we are living in an apartment...which i need to figure out.

because i'm not going to commute everyday to campus and back.

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slippery slope [Jun. 2nd, 2006|12:41 pm]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |jewel-hands]

i've jumped ship

and i just forgot i don't know how to swim ...

does anyone have a life preserver?

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breathe me [May. 30th, 2006|03:47 pm]
[Current Location |courtney's room]
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |breathe me- Sia]

i've done something terrible.
i lost sight, motivation, drive.
but most importantly...my scholarship.

now what?
just because i'm poor i can't get an education?
i can't afford school without financial aid.
this isn't fair.

i'm trapped.
i feel like i'm locked in a big box filling up with water.
now i'm in over my head.
i'm scared and suffocating.

my arch-nemesis.
i am my ultimate disappointment.
a schooless, jobless, homeless

the worst part is....
i've got no one else to blame.
nothing to believe in.
and my smile is quickly fading.

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my beautiful life [Apr. 24th, 2006|11:58 pm]
[Current Location |the dorm]
[mood |satisfiedsatisfied]
[music |dark blue - jack's mannequin]

"So read your books, but stay out late
Some nights, some nights, and don't think
That you can't stop by the bar
You haven't shown your face here since the bad news
Well I'm here till close, with fingers crossed
Each night cause your place isn't far"

this is it. this has been my year.
it has been absolutely amazing.
and i don't think i would've traded a single second of it for anything else in the world.
i've fucked up, yea, so what?
i've pulled my shit together in school, while still having fun all the while
the late nights doing nothing but wasting time and trading smiles :)
THIS is what i live for.
and summer is soon...so i will be living for it every moment.
which makes my heart smile.
summertime and the living is easy..
my life is perfect.
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so i missed the memo [Mar. 13th, 2006|12:49 am]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |blind melon-soup]

i know how hard i try.
and i wonder...will it pay off?
and if it doesn't, what then?
i've learned alot in the past few days.
things i completely missed before...
that's what i get for being so goddamned preoccupied.
preoccupied with the way they keep me smiling.
the way he keeps me at ease.
my car broke down. school is kicking my ass. i'm gaining more weight. work sucks.
stress level has officially hit the freak out factor.
i'm meg. i don't get stressed. well i USED to not.
gah, why does this have to happen again.
everytime i get myself together and independently thinking again someone has to walk back into my life that i need.
and why did it have to be you?
i guess i'm just afraid of change.

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